…..Actually, that thought kept popping in my head like an unwanted advert. By morning, I was shocked I had not driven myself to madness. But when the first ray of sunlight snuck through my curtains,a sudden baby like sleep overtook me. I guess it was safe to say that I was afraid of the dark.……
During my campus days, my biggest fear was getting in the wrong side of the law. I had heard stories of campus students who had gotten in trouble and had been consequently expelled.Knowing the expectations the people I had left at home had of me, that was one thing I crossed all fingers to never happen to me. The last thing I ever wanted to see was my father’s aged face crinkled in disappointment and my mother hunched in shame as neighbours pointed fingers at their daughter. I knew they would take it personally.
”Na venye amesoma alafu anaenda kuharibikia campus’!’
(”She has a lot of education but see, she gets indisciplined in campus!”)
Or at least that was how I imagined they would say in their little groups sipping their milk_deficient tea. Ha! Nosy neighbours they were.
In my final year, there was a raid in the hostel room I resided and the administration discovered couple of rolls of weed. I, despite the knowledge that I had bought them only a few days ago, denied vehemently to high heavens that I had known of their existence.
I’m ashamed to admit it but one of the things I was known for was my lying skills. I had somehow lied my way past a lot of things and had confidence in this one ability.Despite this, I spent a week behind bars, until I luckily got a friend to bail me out. I somehow had survived my biggest fear with my parents being none the wiser.
That was the dream I kept having. Only that this time, instead of the cell I was bailed out of, I was thrown into an endless black hole. I did not wake up in a cold sweat, no.I slept through the nightmare, slept even when I felt the sensation that I was forever falling, slept even when I felt the fear I had felt in the presence of the dark morbidity that somehow had appeared in my dream. After all they say dreams are the product of our unconscious thoughts including our fears.
I woke up hours later, the sun high up in the sky. My ancestors had to be turning in their graves at my show of laziness. Even with the hours of rest, I still felt tired, like I had an unshakeable weight on my shoulders. I gave up the hopes of finding a job today and decided to take a walk through the busy Nairobi streets. Maybe I would cure myself of the madness I was slowly becoming.
Today the streets were busy as ever. Not good news for a person with only few hours of sleep and whose last meal seemed like eons ago. I felt dizzy under the city sun, scorching my forehead mercilessly. One too many times I had wondered what kept me in the city. Nothing was working out for me, the least I could do was the act of the prodigal son. Back at home, my parents would obviously show me more mercy than the city ever would. I banished the thought from my head. My pride would never allow for me to do such a thing. I would rather die than go back to the village. What would my peers say of me? At least now everyone thought I had a job in the city. They were just waiting for the day I’d show up in a big car. Or the very least, a rich husband. I was here to make sure the former happened….somehow.